Here Goes Nothing…

 

Hello readers! I’m Nic. I want to share my journey to wellness with you. It has not been easy. It has taken 8 years to get to the point I’m at now but I still keep going. I want you to see that anyone can achieve the success that I can. It takes hard work but the #1 requirement to achieving is believing. You need to believe in yourself. Believe that your body has the capability to be healthy and do things you never thought possible.  Once your mind is ready, your body will follow. Sometimes our own mind can be our worst enemy. I struggle with days where I feel hopeless, tired, weak, etc. but I know that this isn’t the truth and that I am the only person who can pull me out of that hole. What I need is people cheering me on telling me I can climb out and that is where I come in. The purpose of this blog is to inspire others to make healthy life choices and become the best version of themselves, inside and out.

 

About Me:

I am a 33-year-old mother of two beautiful girls. I have struggled with my weight since puberty. I was a normal little girls growing up I the 80’s. I ate bologna sandwiches, chocolate milk, and plenty of pasta. I rode bikes till sundown, ran around with friends, and explored my surroundings. I was always on the move and a happy kid.  It wasn’t until I was 10 that things started to change. I gained a fair amount of weight as I approached puberty. I remember having to wear a women’s size 14 school uniform when I attended catholic school for a year. I was starting to like boys and they only had eyes for the smaller girls. It was my first taste of what feeling humiliated was like. I would feel that rejection many more times in my life. Once day the boys put a bumblebee on my seat thinking it would sting me. Sadly, it did not and I ended up killing it. (In my defense, it was already nearing death from sitting in the hot sun of a classroom window) They all called me “fat butt B—–r the bumblebee killer”. I hated catholic school. If they weren’t making fun of me for being overweight, they were trying to pull down my shirt because I had breasts before everyone else. One year was enough for me.

As I entered my teens I was still bigger than all the other girls. I would cry in fitting rooms because I was a size 12/13. I wish I could tell my former self that I looked great at that size but I could only see the slim girls around me and I felt like a frumpy lump. The clothing styles back then were also pretty unforgiving.  I don’t blame myself for being upset but I do wish I knew how to love my body for what it could do not how It looked. I was a 50-yard dash champion! These big legs are fast!

I felt like I was never good enough and any efforts to incent me to lose did the opposite.  It’s strange how that works. I know self-sabotage and emotional eating too well.  It is a hard cycle to break.  I learned to love video games and snack food. I would come home from school, grab a big glass of 2% milk and a bunch of cookies, and eat them while playing Super Nintendo for hours. I didn’t have much of a social life when starting High School. I had one good girlfriend that I hung out with but we also would use food as a bonding tool. Getting snacks at the convenience store or baking brownies were favorite pastimes of ours. I started dating a boy when I was 15. We were inseparable but often did nothing more than drive around or watch t.v. or eat. Over the two years, I gained almost 70lbs. I became horribly depressed and we broke up. I graduated at close to 250lbs.

The next couple of years I became a little more active and ate a little better. It wasn’t much but I yo yo’d between 220-230lbs.  My husband who has always been my best friend, started dating me in the summer of 1999. He has always been there for me through “thick and thin” and loves me unconditionally no matter what size I am.  I am so grateful to have someone who loves my curves and doesn’t put pressure on me to be some fake ideal body type.

 

We had our first daughter in November of 2007. My pregnancy was awful. I gained 50lbs, and the week after my delivery I topped the scales at my heaviest, 270lbs. Hey, aren’t women supposed to LOSE weight after the baby?! Thankfully I came down 12lbs from nursing but it only lasted a month as I was not making enough to supply her and we had to switch to bottle feeding. I feel into so many bad mom habits. I watched a fair amount of TV and I ate her leftovers when she was a little older. I wasn’t losing anything even when I tried. I had to beg my doctor to see an endocrinologist. I had always had the symptoms of an underactive thyroid. Weight gain and trouble losing when trying, dry hair that was falling out in bursts, extreme mood swings, dry skin, fatigue. For years they would take tests and say “Well, you are close to the levels that would require meds, but not quite so we aren’t going to try them.” You know when your body is off. The endocrinologist confirmed my suspicions and based on my labs told me I should have been on replacement hormones for years. There is a kind of resentment that comes with that. I might have been happier in school. I could have had a much easier pregnancy. I could have not felt sick and tired so much. However, you just move on.

I immediately started losing weight with the hormones. It wasn’t rapid but I saw results and by the end of the year I was down to 230lbs. I got down to 215 and then decided to get pregnant with our second daughter. That pregnancy was a breeze in comparison. I only gained 15lbs that I lost immediately after delivery. During the pregnancy I developed a severe intolerance to gluten. I may have always had it because I’ve always had stomach problems, but now I was having so much inflammation in my esophagus that I landed in the E.R twice for “choking” on food. That was a terrifying feeling. The gluten free diet was hard at first. I had literal withdrawal for about two weeks. Once that period was over, I didn’t crave carbs like I used to. I barely eat pasta anymore.  I continued to work hard at my weight loss and by the Summer of 2014, I was down to my lowest adult weight of 179lbs. I was a size 12/13 and fitter than I’ve ever been since I was a kid.  There were only 11lbs to my first major goal of 100lbs lost. I could taste it.

Unfortunately, there were circumstances that led me to fall back into some old habits. There was a move to a new city, a new apartment, and personal stress that I had a hard time dealing with. All of these things were out of my control and I sabotaged one thing that I was finally in control of. I had no drive. I gained 15lbs in three months. I have managed to keep from gaining more but I haven’t seriously tried to get on track until now.

So, here I am.  I’m ready to finish what I started and I’d like you to come along with me for the ride.

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